Confessions of a Perfectionist

Alternative title: "Four Hours is Definitely Enough Sleep" And Other Lies I Tell Myself. My perfectionist streak is becoming a problem; a problem which leads me to irritate myself more than I could ever irritate anybody else (unless you're my mum, and have to hear my choruses of "I have to do [insert laborious task at ungodly hour] but I'm so tired. but I must.") 

I'm mainly noticing the issue due to the four months of free time that have landed in my lap between college and university in October. I am not the kind of person who can take their free time and let it be free time, to the point where I make lists upon lists of things that I have to achieve before I get to uni. In fact, I have my list right here with me now. Example A: finish my novel. Example B: memorise Lord Byron's She Walks in Beauty. (But why?)

Here are a few lies I tell myself to convince myself that this is totally rational behaviour: 

Lie #1 If I don't do it now it will never get done. And I mean right now even if it's 4AM.

Lie #2 I cannot ask for help unless I'm in a fundamental crisis. The student in me raises her hand: Guilty as charged. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm the type of person who doesn't stop until I'm laying on the floor weeping from exhaustion. Coursework due in a month? Why, I'll do it all tonight, of course. 

Lie #3 I need to control this situation. This is more of an educational issue than a personal one. This is why I can't work in  groups; I will not sacrifice that pen unless you threaten me with violence. The only reason I can think of for this is that part of me dies when the handwriting is all different on the page... Cue deep sigh. 

Lie #4 If I eat unhealthy meals for a day my whole body will collapse into a pile of calories. I'm not in any way obsessed with my weight or the meals I eat, but since I've started eating and living healthier I feel guilty for at least five minutes after eating a pizza.

Lie #5 If I ignore the problem, it will go away. I'm either sitting on one side of the scales or another: if a problem arises, I'll run at it face first before it can blossom into something bigger, or I'll hide away from it until it goes away. This tends to apply to littler things, such as me avoiding editing the first half of my book for a month because I didn't want to look at it in case it was so bad that it broke my will to ever write again. On the other end of the spectrum, I'll get a headache and Google my symptoms until I'm absolutely certain I have ten different fatal diseases.

Noted: possible hypochondria, possible OCD and possible overuse of hyperbole and melodrama. Swinging back to my January post when I swore that my New Years Resolution would spring up when I found something more important than thou shalt not shop so much; I'm making it a goal to not be so hard on myself. It's only a pizza, after all.

Love From Storm x

Twitter | Book | Follow